Shae

I am a daughter of a mother and father that didn’t give a crap. Lived through that since I was four. I see all these terrible stories about women being abused, and I’ve been through that. My mother is one of the worst people – I’ve finally realized – on this planet. She was a drunk and a drug addict and she used me to get her drugs. She would let men touch me and that was the way that she would pay for her drugs. My dad walked away when I was young and took my brother with him. He didn’t want me. He just left me there for so many years. As I got older I was angry. You know the “angsty teen?” I was an ANGRY teen. That anger led me down a lot of bad paths. With relationships and putting up with stuff that I shouldn’t put up with. 

I got pregnant with my first daughter when I was 18 and had her when I was 19. Her dad was a very bad narcissist and I put up with it for a long time. Then I added my second daughter, which they’re 11 months and 20 days apart, so they’re what they call Irish Twins.  I think I finally realized that I deserved a lot better than this and I didn’t have a phone, I didn’t have a vehicle –  I wasn’t allowed to have those things. But, you know, you get to the point where you’re finally done and you know that you’re really done. I packed up some diaper bags, I grabbed my girls on each of my hips and I walked out the door. I started walking. I was done. 

I learned to finally stand up for myself. It took a long time for me to do it, but I did it. We lived in Missouri at the time, but I had friends down in Prairie Grove, so that’s where I was headed. I got there. I think a lot of women need to hear this. They’re not alone. It’s crazy how many women have similar, if not the same story. 

The biggest thing with self-love that I’ve learned – and it’s just been recently, I’m 32 years old and it’s finally clicking – is just “the let-go.” The let-go of all the bullshit. Knowing and realizing that I’m never going to get closure. That’s what self-love is to me – letting go. I feel pretty far in my self-love journey right now. The biggest part of my life that has helped me is my husband. Knowing that he’s not going to be one of the ones that leaves. He’s been there with me every single day. He puts effort and time into understanding my mental issues and my mood swings and he accepts it all. I’ve never had that before. We’ve been together for ten years and I got to the point with him that I told him that I was ready to walk away because it didn’t feel like our relationship was equal. I think for him, that made him finally realize, “I need to change or she’s going to walk away.” He chose to change. 

[If you’re struggling with self-love], talk to somebody. Talk about it and find people out there that have been through the same things. Give yourself a chance to just let things go. I wish I would have known that I’m never going to get the closure that I want – if I had realized that five years ago, I would have been happy, so much farther in my journey.